Devin Townsend - Punky Bruster: Cooked on Phonics (non-metal album from metal artist review based on album itself, concept, and personal connections)
“Hello, and welcome to Cooked on Phonics, the story of how a cheesy death metal band named Cryptic Coroner became the punk phenomenon of the century when they realized they were making no money. Our story begins at a crappy little pub on a cheap beer night, where our heroes are about to take the stage. This, ALTHOUGH they don't know it yet, will be the last show they play as the infamous Cryptic Coroner, and the birth of the music biz's little babies: Punky Bruster. Let's listen in, shall we?”
A nasal-sounding narrator introduces the story to us as if he’s a carnival barker starting a freak show, and any super-fan of Devin Townsend who has completed their collection knows that this “barker” is the mastermind behind this comedic album, and his name is, you guessed it, Devin Townsend!
Devin Townsend has been a busy metal beaver for almost 3 decades now, and to recap what he had done in the 3 years leading up to this album, he has performed vocals in Steve Vai’s album Sex & Religion and toured with Vai in support of the album, did additional guitar in a couple Front Line Assembly albums, and released a debut album in his own solo project, Strapping Young Lad, that album being titled Heavy as a Really Heavy Thing. Around that time, the punk rock explosion had reached its peak with bands like Green Day, Rancid, and The Offspring but started falling out, and Devin was determined to take a satirical glimpse of the genre’s sound and success. With that, he unleashed the punk within him and created...
Devin Townsend made up this fictional punk rock band and hired a drummer and bassist to bring this story to life in an album titled Cooked on Phonics. The album was later re-issued with the the band name and album combined as Punky Bruster - Cooked on Phonics as a Devin Townsend album, thereby technically being his first solo album, and keep in mind, this was before his solo prog-metal masterpiece Ocean Machine – Biomech that was also for a band and later became a solo album.
In the story, they started as a death metal band from Poland named Cryptic Coroner, and since there’s no official logo for that band, I just combined a couple other band logos and called it a day:
Yeah, that reminds me of a real band, Coroner! Sure, that band Coroner is from Switzerland (not Poland, but they're both part of Central Europe) and they're tech-thrash instead of death metal, but with their split-up being near the same time as the release of the Punky Bruster album, I started formulating a theory about the end of Coroner's original run (hey don't criticize me, I'll be writing just a theory).
The real Coroner has never achieved commercial success despite relentless touring and their music videos airing on MTV's Headbangers Ball, and after a farewell tour in support of their self-titled compilation in January and February 1996, they split up. They would not reform until 14 years later, but that's far beside the story.
Here’s my connective theory: They haven’t actually split up; they secretly changed their identity. They added the word “Cryptic” in front of their name, changed out of their progressive/thrash sound into just brutal death metal, and started claiming that they’re from “South Central Poland”. They also gave each other killer nicknames; Ron Royce became Jokor the King of the Orcs, Tommy T. Baron became Lord Stenchlor, and Marquis Marky became Underwator. Stenchlor became really good at death growls to go well with Royce’s background screams. In mid-February, they started rehearsing for a show going on in the night of the 27th at the Mallone’s pub in Surrey, British Columbia, Canada, heard to be the “hottest hole for rock ‘n’ roll” and a possible kick-starter for this new band’s career. Once they were ready, a few days before the show, they took the plane from Switzerland to Canada. Little did they know, that show would cause a big change in direction...
Something else reminding me of this concept is my own departure from death metal. Instead of turning from death metal to punk in just one concert, I'm currently in the midst of a month-long plan to remove any trace of death metal from my current metal interest so it can be less brutal and more melodic without losing my metal, this whole plan being orchestrated just from the safety of my home. I made this drawing to describe the direction of death themes I wanted to head towards:
Basically, I’m heading for the sad but pleasant melancholy of doom/gothic metal, but that’s not just what I like. I also enjoy classic heavy/power metal (that’s not too mainstream), progressive metal, tech-thrash metal (that’s why I thought of Coroner), and metalcore. Yep, metalcore is what I listen to if I want something punk or at least hardcore punk, and punk on its own is never really my thing, even though my dad likes a few punk bands. That and the lyrics that are ridiculously cheesy and comedic for the most part are the two reasons why the album itself deserves only 2.5 stars. However, the concept seems relatable to any band who starts extreme then sells out with a lighter melodic sound thinking they might regret it but the change really pays off, though the success depicted here seems exaggerated compared to most rock bands in the world. It also seems relatable for my own “metal dilemma”. Bonus points!
Finally, if any of you are asking, “Isn't this a non-metal album?”, my answer is yes, but it's from a metal artist. OK, let’s get to the story... (SPOILERS COMING!!)
Chapter 1: Recipe for Bait
You heard what the narrator said, you’ve read the beginning of my theory, and now let’s get into the first scene and the scenery. Mallone’s is your friendly neighborhood beer pub for any alcoholic to go in and listen to rock bands of different genres perform in the hopes of being propelled into fame. The pub owner announces “two-for-one Tequila shooter specials” and a special band performing there tonight. He reads a note saying that the band is from Poland and they’re named Cryptic Coroner, then he tells everyone in the pub to give them a round of applause. The audience cheers for the band, but the applause fades when they see the band that’s different from every other night.
Lord Stenchlor introduces the band as Cryptic Coroner from South Central Poland, and apparently the song they’re playing is titled “Rot in Hell”, a cool typical death metal song title if you ask me. They unleash their death metal fury with blast beasts, down-tuned 7-string riffing, unintelligible death-growling and background screams, and it seems to be going well, but then...
(I was gonna try to find a picture of a guitar string breaking in action but I couldn’t, so I cheated a bit by screenshotting an old Tom and Jerry cartoon, hope I don’t get tracked down for this)
Lord Stenchlor broke his string! Since this is not an old 1950s cartoon, he couldn’t comically reach out of a television screen and pluck out a cat’s whisker, so Tom would really be laughing now.
Anyway, we already know Lord Stenchlor’s growling is fake during his panic (“I broke a string! I broke- Uh... I mean, I BROKE A STRING!!”). Just a minute into their performance and it’s already turning into a disaster. The band members are panicking and the angry crowd are getting ready to throw random items at them. Stenchlor asks Underwator to play a punk beat as kind of a diversion, and the beat sounds good. Stenchlor realizes that the broken string is the lowest seventh string, so he cuts off the broken string, thereby converting his 7-string guitar into a 6-string one. He then tunes it up to standard E tuning (or Devin’s open C tuning, maybe). Stenchlor convinces Jokor to get his bass going after a bit of Jokor’s hesitation. All that’s left is for the trio to cut their hair short, “think Green Day”, and blast off!
They rock out in their first ever punk song, “Recipe for Bait”. The song very well exemplifies the punk music that fits the concept, filled with hard drum beats, hypnotic guitar riffs, and gruff melodic singing, all in good clarity despite the production quality not being the best. This is the kind of punk that, like I said, was inspired by bands like Green Day, Rancid, and The Offspring, while inspiring later punk hits by My Chemical Romance, Blink-182, and the Johnny Test theme song that everyone thinks the verse melody is a rip-off of the verse melody of the Green Day song “American Idiot”.
The show becomes a success, the audience loves the music, and this is the beginning of a new era that is... Punky Bruster! With their new name and punk sound, they changed their nicknames; Stenchlor became Dr. Skinny, Jokor became Squid Vicious, and Underwator became Dances with Chickens. Dr. Skinny and Squid Vicious share vocal duties, and to be honest, the singing reminds me a bit of if Ron Royce became a punk singer. They immediately get signed to a record deal and, on February 29th, they’re at a studio recording their debut album in a day, and after two weeks of mixing, mastering, and publishing, it was released on March 19th, and yep, it’s this album.
Despite the rushed production, their album becomes an instant success, selling 100,000 copies in just two and a half hours, according to Jimmy Rickles of CFWH-FM, who have commented on their music, along with a few punk critics and...
Tipper Gore from the PMRC! She approves of the new punk movement that “offers more positive solutions to negative problems that plague society in America today”, so I’m guessing she no longer cares about swear words and suggestive themes in the songs. The vocal impression of Tipper Gore is hilarious! Then the song ends with the final chorus.
Chapter 2: Fake Punk
This short upbeat song doesn’t add too much to the story, but it’s still a fun upbeat REAL punk song to listen to, picking up more of the punk vibe from the first track.
With the band’s new punk look and sound, they started claiming that they’re “middle-class white Canadians” and would use mean words, songs, and photos for their fame because they “got the hair for it”. Devin Townsend is indeed what you would consider a “middle-class white Canadian”, but since I’m still following the Cryptic CORONER scenario, we’ll keep going with it.
Anyway, so far, I’ve gone through the first two songs, and they both have a nice punk vibe going on, plus the concept, even though they’re humorous and not to be taken too seriously, seems great and relatable, but be warned, the humor would expand more to the point where it just seems like a load of rubbish but is still redeemed a bit by everything else...
Chapter 3: EZ$$
“This fake punk movement is crap, but there’s money to be made, so let’s milk it!” The punk vibe continues in this song, along with some of the funniest post-Zappa lyrics and impressive vocals. You know those cartoons where whenever someone has a money-making idea, they have dollar signs in their eyes, like this:
That is Punky Bruster’s realization of the sh*t-loads of money they’ve been making ever since they started their punk business. However, they haven’t gotten their death metal roots completely out of the way yet. The meeting they have with their manager is quite funny, when they talk in death growls. That has to be an inspiration for Nathan Explosion from Dethklok (Metalocalypse). Then it gets funnier when they raise the pitch in their voices to be higher and ended up sounding like that Tipper Gore vocal impression from earlier, then goes down to somewhere in between. The talk ends with the band clarifying that the direction they’re heading for is “boot-licking punk rock”. They sure are having difficulty getting out of this...
Chapter 4: Metal Dilemma
I can also have fun with this track. It is my second-favorite highlight of the album, behind “Recipe for Bait”. In “Metal Dilemma”, the punk energy continues as Punky Bruster protests against metal bands and artists. While they find Krokus “kinda cool”, they would take punk over Yngwie Malmsteen any day. I have to admit though the guitar solo is pretty metal in the midst of this punk song.
I find the ending narration more humorous than that of any of the songs so far, because of the band “prowling with their new voices” which are supposed to sound like punk chipmunks (chip-punks!), but I think it sounds like 9-year-old girls giggling over a magazine that has Justin Bieber on the cover.
However, the manager has this lower tired monotone voice, which I think sounds as if he worked in a petrol station convenience store 24 hours a day for the past week. The manager tells the band they still sound a bit heavy metal, and if they wanna “get in the music biz”, they should get a new lead vocalist, much to their dismay, but they agree to the compromise of having a guest vocalist. If you’re wondering if the guest vocalist would be someone with a soft voice to balance with the rough singing, well...
Chapter 5: Oats, Peas, Beans, & Barley
“HEY YOU GUYS!!!!” A vicious hardcore Marco Hietala-like scream is unleashed by the guest vocalist (Chris "The Heathen" Valagao). Then there’s a small punk intro, followed by the hardcore action with Chris Valagao as the guest vocalist of “total uncleanliness” that reminds me of the early thrashcore era of Neurosis but more insane in the membrane and brain. This is definitely one of the most aggressive songs on the album. Thumbs up for that one!
A fast-speaking postman with what sounds like a Mexican accent (or Spanish, I don’t know, please don’t kill me) delivers a package to Punky Bruster, and one of the members receive it, shrieking “Thank you, Mr. Postal Man!!” in a voice and pitch that, not gonna lie, sounds like Timmy Turner (from the Fairly OddParents) with a rough edge in tone. In the package is an “official boys in the hood wallet chain”, which he is excited about because now he “can be hardcore like everybody else!” (as hardcore as that “Oats” song?)
Chapter 6: Wallet Chain
At this point, the album starts getting a bit ridiculous and nonsensical, but not in a way as good as the first 5 tracks. “Wallet Chain” is basically about…wallet chains! It doesn’t even fit well with the main plot, other than being a mediocre song for punk culture’s sake.
I didn’t even want to include this song in this review, but my stubborn sense of completion won’t let me throw it out. For starters, who cares!? NOBODY!!! Except those punky punks!! Unless yours is metal like this one below, then count me out!
While the song barely links to the concept, it actually sets the mood for the rest later, just showing another example of this punk band selling out. It has a bit of a nice flow for what comes next... At the end of that mediocre song about something barely any metalhead gives a sh*t-ball about unless it’s metal, we’ve reached the beginning of the album’s climax... The Grammy Awards!!
Now hold the phone... The 1996 Grammy Awards took place on February 28 which is over a month before when the concept that is at this point, and the best thing to a “punk” Grammy Award is Best Hard Rock Performance to Pearl Jam for “Spin the Black Circle”, a song some say is punky. I have a good plan to bend the concept. Just hear me out please.
After those eventful couple weeks, in early April, because Punky Bruster is so d*mn popular, they got a nomination for a bonus Grammy Award event to possibly win Best Hard Rock Performance instead of Pearl Jam. Despite being as inevitable as Thanos claimed to be, their nervousness “has disrupted most of the members' bowels”. UGH, I don’t like where this is heading...
Chapter 7: Heinous Anus
This is easily the worst song of the album, probably one of the worst songs ever! While this is still punk, it’s just f***ing toilet humor!! It is as funny as the Captain Underpants books, but I’m not 10 anymore! I’m twenty-f***ing-two!! You think this is good!?! Well, you’re WRONG!!! Thank the punk stars this literal sh*tter is only a minute long! Let’s move on...
Fortunately for Dr. Skinny, his “bowel disruption” dilemma is no more. He doesn’t wanna make a poo-fool of himself in front of...groupies! “Love them or leave them.” He isn’t quite used to the punk female movement, but a nose ring is “metal enough” for him.
Dr. Skinny finally has the girl of her dreams! No offense though, but I’m not sure if he’s the right guy for her, considering his voice now sounds like the Know-It-All kid from The Polar Express. That won’t matter because he’s now got a...
Chapter 8: Heavy Metal Mama
This song redeems some of the rock/punk/metal lyrical themes, yet the comedic part still doesn’t add up. It’s not too bad, but I feel there should be something more, so it’s a bit disappointing. However, the guitar solo sounds a bit *ahem* METAL. Some might find the Molly Maid and Betty Boop labels kinda sexist, but I think they’re amusing.
Throughout the month of April 1996, the band has been practicing for their possible winning performance at the Grammy’s, and in his spare time, Dr. Skinny has been hanging out with his girlfriend who has gotten rid of her metal roots and is staying punk. Dr. Skinny and Punky Bruster have reached greater heights in their lives. Surely nothing could go wrong, right?? RIGHT??? Well, this tragedy occurs on the 27th, the day before their bonus Grammy event...
Dr. Skinny gives his girlfriend a tour around his bedroom that was meant to be strictly punk. His girlfriend is amazed at first, but then she notices something sticking out from behind a bookshelf. She moves it outside, and there it is, a heavy metal poster! The pushing of the bookshelf causes something to fall out of it; it’s a heavy metal album! While bending over to pick it up, she notices something hidden under his bed... A HEAVY METAL BOOK!?!? Dr. Skinny tries to deny it by saying it’s all punk, but the disgusted girlfriend breaks up with him and storms out of the house, leaving him crying in depression. Sad organ music fits hilariously well with the scene.
Everything was going downhill for our hero, all because of his metal roots. The only hope of that burden being swept aside is if his band could win the award at the bonus Grammy event tomorrow night. The narrator tells this poor metal-gone-punk guy to be strong, and Dr. Skinny needs to have “something to help ease the pain”.
Chapter 9: Crusty’s at the Ivanhoe
I have no idea what that title means, or why there’s a screaming drunk man in the intro, or why the lyrics for this song haven’t been printed, but this is another hardcore-ish punk song that is cool but doesn’t work entirely well for me. The song itself is shorter than the rest of the track, which sees the concept’s grand climax; the band at the Grammy Awards bonus event!
Dr. Skinny’s pain is eased “by the sweet kiss of cheap alcohol”, and the band is ready to go to the award ceremony. The narrator wants us to “hope for the best”. The host commences the... the...
Wait a minute... 23rd Annual Grammy Awards!?! That’s impossible!! That happened in 1981! Wait another minute... He didn’t say “Grammy Awards”, he said... “GRANNY Awards”???? You mean all this time, listeners thought they were actually referring to the Grammy Awards when it turns out that it was all a parody called the “Granny Awards”!? Well, scr*w what the concept really mentions! I came this far to build my take on the concept, and I’m not gonna give it up. Let’s continue...
The 1996 Grammy Awards bonus event announcer introduces himself as Jimmy Rickles, who you already know is from CFWH-FM. There would be live performances by a diverse range of musicians including mezzo-soprano Ann Murray, death metal band Deicide, and of course, Punky Bruster.
The host of this event is PJ Little-Pricky. The award he is about to present is a “lifelong achievement award for the best punk-rock band.” Like I said, the closest thing to a best punk-rock band award is the Best Hard Rock Performance earned by Pearl Jam in reality, and the event is finding out whether or not Punky Bruster take home that award instead, so bear with me please.
The award is judged on “anarchic content, chord dissonance, hair coloring, body piercing,” etc. The host receives an envelope from a lady with a b**b-revealing dress. I can tell because of the host’s somewhat sexist compliment. And so the award goes to (drumroll please)... PUNKY BRUSTER!!
This is it!! This is Punky Bruster’s moment of victory, winning that Grammy Award! As the audience cheers and “Fake Punk” plays, and the band gleefully accept the reward and have a lot of people to thank (again with the giggling 9-year-old girl voices), including the host, their families, their manager, “the Norwegian death metal scene” (as a joke), and “the pioneer punk bands of 1994”.
The host stops them from leaving and insist that they play at least one song (hey, Jimmy Rickles said they were performing). After a bit of hesitation, they agree and play their new single...
Chapter 10: Picture of Myself
Their new single is a soft mid-tempo ballad which isn’t too bad, but doesn’t make the music/lyrical second half of the concept any better. That’s fine. At least the story would soon be over and we don’t have to hear this fake punk cr*p anymore.
You might think the ending of this ballad would end the story, but then a brief death metal part comes in, showing that the Cryptic Coroner within them will be back sometime, ready to fight Pearl Jam’s revenge against Punky Bruster stealing their award.
So that’s it, the end of the story. The narrator says a funny moral then signs off, “Thanks very much, we'll see you next time, the end.”
Why did I NOPE that “That’s all folks” thing, you may ask? Well, that’s because both the album and the review isn’t over yet! There are a few hidden tracks I still need to talk about along with writing a conclusion. They see the making of the album itself by Devin Townsend and his band that are responsible for the making of the album. Time for our bonus ride...
After two minutes of silence from the previous track, you can hear what sounds like a sinister voice-message which ends by asking for a “metal soliloquy for the album”. That was yet another example of one of those creepy hidden tracks not worth waiting for. Then after two more minutes of silence...
Epilogue part 1: The Girls Next Door
After another undecipherable voice message, the punk action begins again, and I’m starting to think this is like an epilogue to the Punky Bruster story because I can hear those f***ing giggling school-girl voices again that sound like Numbuh 3 from Codename Kids Next Door.
The song itself is pure genius in the music and lyrics with brilliantly humorous lines about if “to suck some corporate c*ck” is a way to rock success and gathering listeners “to the Bruster spend-along”.
Epilogue part 2: Larry’s O
This song is probably better than almost everything else in the album, and I kinda wish it wasn’t a hidden track. They’ve really pushed their punk skills to the right level and it actually does sound like a real punk song that I don’t mind, even including a real classic-metal-ish guitar solo.
Similar to “Recipe for Bait”, the bridge is extended to include a spoken section with Devin ranting about various things about the album including how long it took for the album to be made ("A week-and-a-half to write, six days to record, 12 hours to mix."). That’s quite a short amount of time of production, but it’s still a good result. Then at the last minute, there’s what sounds like the band members being abused by the manager, a final drum roll, and one more amusingly undecipherable message before ending the album for real, unless you have the edition with the bonus track...
Bonus epilogue part 3: Metal Heads are Punk Rockers
This one is apparently a parody of “Sheena is a Punk Rocker” by the Ramones. Now this is awesome! They’ve parodied an older punk song and made it more legendary, better than the money-making popular punk bands the album’s concept is based on. I also think more of Devin’s anger against the big punk sell-out is taken out on making material for Strapping Young Lad. There can be the punk of the Ramones and the nu metal of Slipknot and Metallica’s St. Anger, all out there making money, but Devin Townsend is what I enjoy for a bit of a punk parody and his later progressive metal albums.
Since that bonus song is missing from the album shown above, I’ll give you the link to that song in its own video right here:
Devin Townsend may not have the punk vibe of Punky Bruster anymore, but he would eventually become (as mentioned in my metal flow chart)...
All in all, Punky Bruster – Cooked on Phonics is one of the funniest albums ever, with more punk humor than the Dead Kennedys. The mix of metal and punk is quite noticeable due to Devin’s work in Strapping Young Lad and the solo albums he would make later. This album might not really be for most metalheads like myself, but I would recommend the album to anyone who enjoys sell-out punk and joy-buzzing comedy...
Ratings:
Album – 2.5/5
Concept – 3.5/5
Personal connections – 4.5/5
Overall:
3.5/5
Well, that’s pretty much it for this review. Thank you all very much for reading, and I’ll see you in my next proper review. The end!
(OK, now cue the “That’s all folks” sign-off)
